Breaking News: Ninja Unrest in Weymouth, MA

My next post will be about zombies, I promise. This is real and pertinent, people. Don’t know how many of you read the Patriot Ledger, but not only do they have a website on the internets, which for some reason is weird to me, BUT they are still relevant!

No, but seriously, they reported (via AP) a man in his 20s clad in what can only be described as Ninja-gear (not clothing, not attire….Gear) with sword in sheath (naturally, as to not dull the samurai’s razor-sharp edges) in a Tedeschi’s in the town of Weymouth, familiar? The clerk uneasy with the stealthy presence called the authorities. This is where I rlol’d. The goon asks the clerk if he is making the call about him. What, guy? You have a sword in a sheath attached to your hip…this isn’t the 16th Century –it hasn’t been socially acceptable to prance around with a dueling sword for like centuries, of course the call is about you.

This is where my outlandish imagination transforms a nothing 4-line AP release into like an 8th installment of Harry Potter. But, seriously? What was Ninja-man’s motives at 8AM on 4/20, if you’re doing this and you’re not high there’s definitely an underlying issue. All I can picture is this character, beyond dejected, sulking with his head down walking out of the store. What Ninja gets scared out of a Tedeschi’s? Not a real one, that’s for certain.

What this ninja lacked in skill he made up in resolve. I also rlol’d at the Ledger’s subtitle “After being scared out of Tedeschi store he vainly tried dry cleaners”. So, faced with imminent failure the ninja entered Galaxy Cleaners –sounds like a job for a Sith (Googled “Jedi enemy” for that gem). Can you channel the “force” through a samurai sword? Probably no. At this point our beloved and misunderstood protagonist drew his sword for the first time since he bought it at King Richard’s Faire in 1996. So, with the clerk at tip of sword (is that the equivalent of “gun point”? idk) the ninja demanded all of the Blades of the Orient. No, that would have been way cooler though. Yet another rlol moment for me, the clerk informs the ninja she can’t get the drawer open to the register. So, guy just leaves…the end. A real ninja would have shed blood, shown no mercy and made some sort of dramatic gymnastics exit.

The ninja a.ka. horrible robber remains at large, presently. I can only imagine that he receded to his dank-smelling bedroom in the basement of his childhood home, probably disconcerted over the injustices he committed in the name of Ninjas all over the South Shore of Massachusetts. Let me know if this story develops at all or was just an incredible hoax. Reminiscent of Nick’s post on bank robbers a couple of weeks ago, we can only hope that this was an effort by one ninja to promote an old-school robbery movement…

Lastly, if you don't like my rendition of this story, read here.