Summer Treat Series Volume 3

The Outdoor/Beach bar. Nothing screams Summer like being blackout drunk outside in nature just as God intended....

I was recently out in Plymouth with some of my homeys when I realized why every bar that is either outside, or on the water is so succesful. It really boils down to the following things....

1. Being outside is just flat out better. You can't tell me that being outside on a nice night doesn't put you in a good mood...because it F*ing does. Partying outside is one of Summer's greatest assets, so why wouldn't you want to be outside blackout drunk stumbling around???? I mean if you need to puke you can just hit up some corner of the deck, lean over, and unleash the dragon all over the bushes....perfect.

2. It brings out the biddies, and for some reason they're all fire. Me and my boy Retta had to go up to girls with imaginary fire extinguishers and put out the flames this past weekend at Cabby Shack, granted all the girls thought we were weird creeps and it was an epic fail, but still, the girls were all so awesome to look at. I guess you really just can't be ugly and go to a beach/outdoor type bar, it's just the lay of the land. I mean if your a guy you can do whatever you want(which is why I was there), but girls know better.....

3. Similar to point 2, but sooo different at the same time....Cougars. They are an absolute staple to these types of establishments. The warm weather attracts the older women like you wouldn't believe, and for some reason they all love you. Your the funniest kid to them, and they want to take you home and make sweet love to you...or at least that's what I think whenever I see one. I think they are also drawn in by the next item on the list....

4. Live Bands. For some reason they kill it at these bars...the Cougs all love it, and after a few beers even I will be singing Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" at the top of my lungs. I mean who doesn't want to hear "Don't Stop Believing" as your gagging back puke trying to talk to a nice little dipset from the rich town next door telling her in the area because your playing in the Cape Cod Baseball League....

Let's all face it, the girls are better, the music is better, and the beer just tastes better when your partying in a place like Plymouth. I've already made my way to a few of these places this Summer and they have yet to let me down. So when you head out this weekend, grab a 6 pack of twisted teas and drink them on the way to the nearest outdoor bar of your choice...tell em The Kid sent ya. (It will mean nothing, and you will probably get a weird look, but I always wanted to say something like that). OH, and don't fake fire extinguish girls....as ill as it is in your head, they will hate it.

-J Perk

The New Years Eve Party

Alright everyone, if your reading this you are most likely hungover and miserable, and to that I say join the F*ing club. First of all, Happy New Year. 2009 cannot possibly suck as much as 2008 did right? I mean gas prices were higher than Cheech at times this year....I seriously had to decide between putting gas in my car, and food in my stomach. The economy sucked, the Pats lost in the Super Bowl, and most importantly I still have not married or even dated Scarlett Johanson.

Back to the point of this post, I'm sure most of you have been to your run of the mill New Years Eve Party. I was at one last night, got real drunk, had a good time...partty colllegee wooooooo...etc etc. But as I was looking around and taking everything in I realized that without fail there are several things which happen at every NYE Party....or maybe every party in general.

Every good NYE Party will always have these components:

1. The overdressed chooch. You know this person has been planning his/her outfit for days...trying it on in the mirror and telling themselves how illll they look. Your wrong dude....nice sucky all white blazer and trendy glasses that you don't even need.

2. The underdressed dickhead. I am the model of the undressed dickhead. Case and point last night I was wearing jeans, tims, and a Pirates hat. No1 else had a hat on, and about 5 out of 35 had jeans on. Hey its a New Year, but its not a new me, if you really want to keep the integrity of your party, don't invite dicks like me.

3. The classic BRO. I honestly can't even wait to start posting on "Bro's.." It is probably my favorite phrase to use against chooches. A Bro is a guy that just really tries to hard...way too friendly, says bro hundreds of times, has hair gel or some sort of trendy hat / graphic shirt on. He wants to be your friend even though you don't know him / don't want to know him, and he will stop at nothing to accomplish this...often time Bro's transition into....

4. The pathetic girl chaser. Seriously BRO give it a rest. This chick is only talking to you because she's drunk. She might have even kissed you, which now has given you the courage to follow the girl around like a creep for the entire night. I'm pretty sure I watched a girl get dry humped / molested by a BRO last night. I'm not using any names, but I will just say that the Bro fell asleep all cuddled up with the girl on the floor, and woke up in the AM to the girl on an air mattress with another dude, who was NOT in fact a Bro. Sorry Bro, looks like you lost that one.

5. The overly nice host. Really don't want to shit on nice people here, but this one is self explanatory. Cut the shit alright, no1 is that nice, and if you are, go F yourself.

6. The party asshole(s). I also might be the model for this one, depending on what party I am at. But these people generally just F with everyone, especially the BRO's who are their sworn enemy. I was in a pretty solid BRO fight last night, especially with white blazer trendy glasses. I probably called him BRO about 34 times before he eventually realized what was happening. Score one for the good guys, er...dickheads.

7. The annoying trying to get a kiss at midnight guy/girl. Listen, everyone wants a god damn kiss at midnight, but do you hear anyone else dropping hints like you are? I understand if your doing it to the girl/guy you came with, that might be different, but don't be dropping hints to strangers like they are going to hit you back with "Oh...I will kiss you at midnight...you pathetic no kiss having loser." Keep that shit to yourself, and maybe by midnight someone will be drunk enough to play tonsel hockey with you.

8. The Cock Blockers. These are the most hated of all party goers, since they cannot get any ass, they would love nothing more than prevent you from getting that sacred bum. These snakes will pretend like they are your friends, then as soon as you get a nice room alone with your lady/man they slide right in and start convo like it was nothing. That is why I am petitioning for a law that allows for the shooting of all cock blockers, at least in a non-lethal manner. Hey you wanna be a dick, fine, you get shot. That is how society should be, in my opinion at least.





While I'm sure there are plenty more party icons that I could go over, I think I am going to stop right there before I lose any more friends over this. If you are reading this laughing saying "HaHa, man I don't even know any of these people.." Then you are most likely 2-3 of them, in fact you are definately a BRO. So what I want you to do this stop reading this blog right this instant, go hit up BROmance on MTV and think about how sweet it woulda been if you were on the show. Happy 09 Ma Facckkerrrrs. ONE.