As most of you know, we threw the bash of the year this past Friday at the Baseball Tavern in Boston. Sure, the rain had me super nervous that no one would show up. After all, who wants to be on a roof deck in shitty weather? Maybe that's why I was drinking my face off early in the night.
Actually, who am I kiddin? I definitely would have done that even if it was 90 degrees and beautiful.
We ended up getting about over 100 people there I'd say, including plenty of ill dudes and hot chicks. Of course, maybe no one was there. It's risky to trust my memory.
And don't EVER say myself or the people I associate with don't party. Because like it or not -- and I love it -- all my friends get NICE. For some reason, I threw a huge bash, people would have a great time sober even, but almost everyone there got blacked out. Wooo. And I'm pretty sure a lot of people took diggers, puked and made a fool of themselves. In fact, a lot of this was going on (I cackle LOL'd at the 1:52 mark):
I couldn't find Jake most of the night, but ended up locating him in the upstairs bathroom:
Yes, that's the type of night we had. I believe someone actually woke up on a park bench in the middle of Boston and zombied in at the crack of dawn looking for a bed. BTW, how crazy is blacking out? It legit freaks me out. You drank so much, that your body is poisoned. Just filled with poison. And it's taken over you so much that although awake, you have zero memory or control. Basically just like being on auto-pilot the whole time. And tons of people were like this. Must have been a site for the people working. In fact, I wondering if I'll be allowed back...
Also, I'd like to extend an apology to anyone I might have offended, messed with, started with, hit on or said something inappropriate to...because in my state, I would have thought this was fire:
In fact, if you talked to me, I probably sounded something like this:
Thanks to everyone for showing up and being ill. Don't let us throw a party, cause it might just be the best one ever that no one remembers. A few peeps did get booted for being redic or obnox, bug overall it was a pretty solid and unreal night. I even think our buddy and blog contributor Balla had to leave. See 0:36 below for how he was kicked out:
If you have any mems or stories, feel free to share. Party On.
Alright folks, this one is going out to our local readers. Also known as all of our readers but that is neither here nor there. Where have I been this week? I've been thinking and drinking. A realization hit me like a ton of bricks, or a galvatron, last night. I was well behaved for the duration of Benner's birthday at Barretts. Well I was well behaved until the very end. A switch flipped on the way out. I got a little loud and put down some serious Charlie Daniels crotch chops on that place. Then it happened. "GROW UP" a patron yelled. So that was the realization? Yes. The realization is that growing up is the exact opposite theme I want this summer to represent. We need to be Toys R Us kids if you will. And Im going to explain why.
That biological clock is ticking my friends. Sure, some of you readers are younger than me and my last couple months of my 23rd year. But if you aren't there yet, you will be shortly. And its a strange age these days. A lot of us are lost in transition. Graduating college in a tough economy and getting pushed out the door without a GPS for our life. So what is the solution? The solution is to not let it get the best of you. Don't stress out and feel like you are too old for school but not yet ready for the real world. The truth is you are young enough to blend in at those parties with cute college girls and old enough to throw on some khakis and fit in with the young professionals at the bar/club/tavern of your choice. Find some comfort in that fact.
Four summers ago I was 19 years old, full of youth and vigor. We were all in the Springtime of our college experience. Like Bill Shakespeare once said, April hath put a spirit of youth in everything. And if quoting Shakespeare in a blog where we support Suck It seems contradictory and preachy/pretentious to you, well it probably is, but go fuck yourself. Let me get back to the point. I ran into Retta's webshots for that summer (thats pt 2) today and it was very nostalgic. Hairlines werent creeping yet, and it was an era that hadn't developed any nasty habits.
This is what Im asking from you. Lets work hard and play hard this Summer. Make it a throwback. Lets embrace our youth and not fear being obnoxious. Do whatever you have to do to keep grinding and then let loose when the time is right. Track down the blogfathers and unleash some crotch chops and be the best kiiiid. Call people Bro and love life. Don't listen to the people who are too old for it. Because ultimately we are still kids, check the URL, and we aren't trying to grow up yet.
-Wolfie
Strong Suggestion: Go through Retta's Webshots pictures and read the captions. They are absolute money. And if you can't get enough of those, check out my old album. Links below.... Retta's Webshots Wolfie's Vintage Webshots
Few Samples....
Sev was sorry for partyin. What a legend.
Retta disappears downstairs in the middle of a party at Williams house and shaves himself a mustache. His caption to the picture reads "Dog curled up next to me, took a pic with my stache and that labby lab"
Gambee top left smoking an invizzy cigarette, face hacked up from taking a faceplant on cement, still mackin on some supermodels.
Alright I know most of you out there always read each Friday and look for the wisdom that I bestow upon you for your weekend partying....things like "take it easy and if it's easy take it home," and also how to get so drunk that you end up in your own back seat and lose your license. You guys are all out there reading those things being like "Oh man, I wish I was just like Jake and knew how to party like him, and wish I could party with him, and if I'm a chick I wish I could do him...etc etc."
Well today is your lucky day, because I have assembled a checklist of things that I make sure to do each night that I go into town.
-Drink 3-6 drinks and enjoy a treat (of your choice) before going out anywhere
-Call Nick a chooch or choochiest kid 12-340 times
-Give someone at bar the "Charlie Daniels" (PLEASE refer to video below...specifically from 30 seconds on)
-Make sure to call at least 3 other dudes Bro for example "Oh excuse me Bro where'd you get that sweet grahpic T-shirt?"
-Continually try to get girls by leaning to your boy as they walk by and saying outloud "Is that the one!?!?!"
-As you near the point of blackout, don't give in.....go order another round of drinks and call yourself "The Kid" to the bartender. Example: "Why don't you round up 3 Coors Lights for The Kid"
-Repeat the "Charlie Daniels" or whatever your favorite crotch chop is...preferably directed at a female
-When told you did something rude and innappropriate respond with, "Hey Bro, Sorry for Partying"
-As you leave the bar make sure to yell weird things at people you see on the streets like this classic at any girl "Think ya cuuuute" or to guys "Your a chooooooch"
-Blackout
-Seach for another treat somehow...someway (at this point, this includes BK, Wendy's, McDonalds, etc)
-Wake up and pull trigger if need be
-Repeat Saturday Night
Follow these simple steps, and you can party just like me. Enjoy the weekend ya bitches.
First of all...have any of you seen my license??? Last seen at the Joshua Tree in Allston??? Kinda looks like this....
I need to digress from my upcoming rant real quick to say that don't think I haven't noticed the McLovin sightings at Boston Celtics games. I have a post lined up about this on Tuesday, and I can't wait to get it out. This kid is everywhere lately...
But anyways, in the last three weeks of my life I have now crundled my phone and had to replace it, and now lost my license while out partying. So as I sat in the back seat of my own car as my boy Retta had to drive me and chooch Nick home I had a thought...maybe I shouldn't be blacking out in public at the age of 25???? I mean I did just get my masters degree from a pretty good business school and I undoubtedly should be out there job hunting right now.
Instead, I have a job lined up at a special-ed camp this summer in Brockton, and am currently relying on Nick to get me a job bouncing at the baseball tavern...all the while waiting to return to the U in the fall as the Supervisor of Illness at the Athletic Center. And why am I doing all of this do you ask....the answer is simple. BECAUSE PARTYING IS TOO ILL NOT TO DO. I'm not sorry for parying...I never will be...ever. I love it too much and nothing will get in my way of partying this summer. Not broken phones, not lost licenses, not hooking up with wildabeasts in public, not swine flu, zombies, OR McLovin.
So as the summer months creep in I want you all to remember this important thing from MJ (Master Jake)...Party all the time, and don't you EVER be sorry for it.
Anyone who knows me knows I love a certain three-(sometimes four-) word phrase that can be used as a catch-all to explain any screw-up, large or small, that occurred because of a bad lapse of judgment usually the product of drugs, alcohol or another similar vice.
“Sorry for Partying” or “Hey, Sorry for Partying” as it’s known in some circles has gained paramount popularity in recent years. I’m 99% sure it originated in EB back around 2001-02, coined by Brian Booth.
Since then it’s traveled to the city of Boston, the doldrums of Pennsylvania, the far reaches of the West Coast and everywhere in between. It’s been posted on Urban Dictionary, but in 2005. (Sorry, BRO, you’re a little late.) There are URLs with the name, although none active. And the first time I see it on a T-Shirt, I’ll probably kill myself.
Because we haven’t mentioned it much here, I figured we needed to reveal a list I’ve been working on for a long time, like since this morning. The WKFTB Sorry for Partying All-Stars! These people pushed the limits, sometimes with dire consequences.
Let’s have a look at 2009’s Starting Six:
Vin Baker
Big Vin was a four-time NBA All-Star. He won an Olympic gold medal in Sydney in 2000. He was seemingly on top of the world. But what happened? He SWEATED drinking. He soon ballooned to nearly 300 pounds. When he was traded to the Celtics, then coach Jim O’Brien said he could smell alcohol on Baker during practice. A binge drinker, he was known to drink especially heavily on nights after a bad game. After a few years, he drank his way out the game. But it didn’t end there. He got a DUI leaving Foxwoods in 2007. His restaurant was shut down. And last year, his $2.5 million home was foreclosed.
Wait, you were an all-star caliber multimillion-dollar athlete and you wasted away your prime and then went broke? Sorry for partying…
Michael Phelps
An Olympic gold medalist, Phelps captured the hearts of the nation – the world actually – with his otherworldly performance in Beijing this summer. A freak of nature more fish than man, Phelps machined his way to eight golds and several world records. When he returned home he was a national hero, bringing American people together like no other person since Kennedy. He hosted SNL. TV shows begged him to come on. Sponsors flooded him with offers. Everyone wanted a piece of Phelps. Still, as its been well-chronicled here, Phelps needed to party. We found out how he can consume 10,000 calories a day – by getting super, super high.
Woah, woah, hold it. So you are perhaps the most recognizable face in America, probably every Mom’s favorite athlete, you have tons of loot, yet you’re at a shitty North Carolina party ripping bongs around civilians with cameras? Hey, sorry for partyin…
Michael Vick
Oh man, where to start. Vick, a three-time Pro Bowler was the face of the Atlanta Falcons’ franchise, and for a while, the entire NFL. A former Madden cover boy he had endorsements with EA Sports, Nike, Kraft Foods, Hasbro, Coca-Cola, AirTran and was ranked 33rd on Forbes’ Top 100 Celebrities in 2005. This is in addition to the 10-year, $130-million deal the former No. 1 overall pick signed with the Falcons. After a few minor hiccups like flipping off the media and getting caught with some sort of marijuana container at an airport, Vick dropped the motherload when he was caught financing an illegal dog fighting ring in Virginia. Since sentenced 23 months in FEDERAL prison, he ‘s been ordered to give back his signing bonus, lost all his endorsements, been kicked out of the NFL and forced to declare bankruptcy.
Let me get this straight, you’re a mega-celeb, maybe the most famous player in the NFL, a QB with 95 speed and you for some reason allow your retard buddies to operate a huge dog fighting ring in a gated residential neighborhood when you could conceivably doing anything in the world for entertainment. Sorry. For. Partying.
Eliot Spitzer
Ho, ho, remember this chode? The former Attorney General and Governor of New York led a crusade against such things as pollution, corruption and prostitution. He then proceeded to use campaign funds to finance clandestine trips to out-of-the-way hotels in New York to covertly meet women he met at the Emperor’s Club, a high-scale prostitution service. At least until he was caught in a federal investigation and forced to resign for his post and admit it to his wife.
So you’re a public servant, former attorney who pursued cases in prostitution and told people how to live their lives, then was caught with a prostitute yourself and forced to quit being the governor of the highest-profile city in America? Sorry for partyin…
Ozzy Osbourne
People forget, but Ozzy was a Grammy Award winner, star of the band Black Sabbath, and dubbed by some as the “Godfather of Heavy Metal.” Look at that loopnut now. Guy pounded heroine, E, coke, mints, acid and everything in between. Now he can’t even sit still or talk without his hands shaking. It’s not known if he still speaks English. He’s partied so much, he’s lost his mind. Just check out this sweet quote:
"I was taking drugs so much I was a wreck. The final straw came when I shot all our cats. We had about 17, and I went crazy and shot them all. My wife found me under the piano in a white suit, a shotgun in one hand and a knife in the other."
Hey, when you kill all your cats and then hide under the piano waiting for retaliation there’s really only one way to explain yourself: SFP.
Len Bias Sorry, but he’s the captain of the Sorry For Partying All-Stars. You know the rule, after 20 years you can joke about it. Len, the purported savior of the Celtics franchise in need of the youthful young talent to continue its dominance, might have inadvertently sent the team into a decade long tailspin it only recently climbed out of. The No. 2 pick in the draft went to celebrate at an off-campus part at the University of Maryland at around 3 a.m. According to his boys, it was there where Bias ripped mountains of coke, enough to kill himself less than 48 hours after being drafted.
Now say what you will, and I know it’s a sensitive subject around these parts, but Len Bias partttiiiiedddd. Just a little too much.
Honorable mention: Joe Namath Really just to show this sweet video:
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