Are Pirates Still Badass?

I want to say yes, because up until this resurgence of real-life piracy, my idea of a pirate was a number of things ... like, the arch enemy of a ninja, Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Morgan, the movie, Hook and Waterworld or even illegal music downloading. But these "modern-day" Somalian pirates are really blurring the fine line between actual, international criminals and the fictional, one-eyed antagonists of summer blockbusters past, I don’t like it.

In lieu of the recent bootlegging on a U.S. vessel, I think it would be good to differentiate the real pirates by giving them a more politically correct reference –like a redefinition. Kind of like how the titles, Administrative Assistant and Sanitation Engineer redefined the perception of secretaries and garbage men, everywhere; shedding their societal stigmas and historical contexts to emerge as more productive members of society. As far as I’m concerned pirates are unreal and coolest, but they also search for buried treasure, hold small pygmy fairies hostage and terrorize lost boys –not the same as these thuglife pirates. I mean, unless these Johnny Depp poseurs decide to return to piracy of yore –wooden ships, peg legs, booty, Pirate-speak, effeminate dress, and eye liner, I think we should start calling them something else, anything. Honestly, look at this guy, really? He's no swashbuckler...he's just a straight up hijacker/terrorist/mercenary.

I mean, I suppose this guy is a badass by default. He's packing some absurd heat, donning serious bullet regalia and his inner monologue is def looping, Harass, intimidate, exterminate, plunder. He also looks like he's about to go hunting for blood diamonds, for real. Needless to say, I have grandiose delusions about pirates, I know I do…Hook remains one of my all-time favorite movies, but this character just does not fit my glorified idea of what a pirate is.

On a slightly unrelated note, I like pirates more than ninjas and hypothetically-speaking I would choose to be a pirate over a ninja, as I lack the stealth and combat finesse that is a ninja prerequisite. So you can see how these recent events have been weighing heavily on me...

I guess what I'm trying to say is I still think pirates are dope, no exceptions. Not these soulless, Somalian government kill-machines. And I don’t think it’s fair that kids these days are growing up thinking pirates are real-life bad guys…

This video is a pretty comprehensive tutorial on Pirate dialect, even down to the verb conjugation. And the sheer fact that it is an actual how-to video on an actual how-to website is laughable. Anyway, I apologize for the lack of really any cohesion or point to this entire post, I've been wanting to talk about pirates for a while now, and the opportunity finally presented itself.