The New Years Eve Party

Alright everyone, if your reading this you are most likely hungover and miserable, and to that I say join the F*ing club. First of all, Happy New Year. 2009 cannot possibly suck as much as 2008 did right? I mean gas prices were higher than Cheech at times this year....I seriously had to decide between putting gas in my car, and food in my stomach. The economy sucked, the Pats lost in the Super Bowl, and most importantly I still have not married or even dated Scarlett Johanson.

Back to the point of this post, I'm sure most of you have been to your run of the mill New Years Eve Party. I was at one last night, got real drunk, had a good time...partty colllegee wooooooo...etc etc. But as I was looking around and taking everything in I realized that without fail there are several things which happen at every NYE Party....or maybe every party in general.

Every good NYE Party will always have these components:

1. The overdressed chooch. You know this person has been planning his/her outfit for days...trying it on in the mirror and telling themselves how illll they look. Your wrong dude....nice sucky all white blazer and trendy glasses that you don't even need.

2. The underdressed dickhead. I am the model of the undressed dickhead. Case and point last night I was wearing jeans, tims, and a Pirates hat. No1 else had a hat on, and about 5 out of 35 had jeans on. Hey its a New Year, but its not a new me, if you really want to keep the integrity of your party, don't invite dicks like me.

3. The classic BRO. I honestly can't even wait to start posting on "Bro's.." It is probably my favorite phrase to use against chooches. A Bro is a guy that just really tries to hard...way too friendly, says bro hundreds of times, has hair gel or some sort of trendy hat / graphic shirt on. He wants to be your friend even though you don't know him / don't want to know him, and he will stop at nothing to accomplish this...often time Bro's transition into....

4. The pathetic girl chaser. Seriously BRO give it a rest. This chick is only talking to you because she's drunk. She might have even kissed you, which now has given you the courage to follow the girl around like a creep for the entire night. I'm pretty sure I watched a girl get dry humped / molested by a BRO last night. I'm not using any names, but I will just say that the Bro fell asleep all cuddled up with the girl on the floor, and woke up in the AM to the girl on an air mattress with another dude, who was NOT in fact a Bro. Sorry Bro, looks like you lost that one.

5. The overly nice host. Really don't want to shit on nice people here, but this one is self explanatory. Cut the shit alright, no1 is that nice, and if you are, go F yourself.

6. The party asshole(s). I also might be the model for this one, depending on what party I am at. But these people generally just F with everyone, especially the BRO's who are their sworn enemy. I was in a pretty solid BRO fight last night, especially with white blazer trendy glasses. I probably called him BRO about 34 times before he eventually realized what was happening. Score one for the good guys, er...dickheads.

7. The annoying trying to get a kiss at midnight guy/girl. Listen, everyone wants a god damn kiss at midnight, but do you hear anyone else dropping hints like you are? I understand if your doing it to the girl/guy you came with, that might be different, but don't be dropping hints to strangers like they are going to hit you back with "Oh...I will kiss you at midnight...you pathetic no kiss having loser." Keep that shit to yourself, and maybe by midnight someone will be drunk enough to play tonsel hockey with you.

8. The Cock Blockers. These are the most hated of all party goers, since they cannot get any ass, they would love nothing more than prevent you from getting that sacred bum. These snakes will pretend like they are your friends, then as soon as you get a nice room alone with your lady/man they slide right in and start convo like it was nothing. That is why I am petitioning for a law that allows for the shooting of all cock blockers, at least in a non-lethal manner. Hey you wanna be a dick, fine, you get shot. That is how society should be, in my opinion at least.





While I'm sure there are plenty more party icons that I could go over, I think I am going to stop right there before I lose any more friends over this. If you are reading this laughing saying "HaHa, man I don't even know any of these people.." Then you are most likely 2-3 of them, in fact you are definately a BRO. So what I want you to do this stop reading this blog right this instant, go hit up BROmance on MTV and think about how sweet it woulda been if you were on the show. Happy 09 Ma Facckkerrrrs. ONE.