9 things to do in 2009.

Here it is, the long awaited post of the 9 things that I am going to do in 2009. I want to start off first by saying the likelihood of me doing any of these things is pretty slim, but a man can dream can't he.

Ok here we go....

#1. Scarlett Johansson. I guess this would fall more under people to do in 2009 but oh well. Scarlett, if you are reading this, its about time you finally responded to my letters, calls, and pictures of myself that I have been sending you. You know you want me, let's stop the cat and mouse.


#2. Be more like Charles Barkley. If you have not heard about his recent DUI stop in Arizona you gotta go HERE and read it. So I guess for me this means, more drinking, more prostitutes, and continuing the process of me going bald. All things which I think I am inherently good at.

#3. Make my fan debut at the new Yankee Stadium wearing the same Sox hat and Papelbon jersey as my last time there (which consequently was almost my last day on earth, period). Last time I went to Yankee Stadium for a Yankees v. Tigers game, I decided it was wise to wear my Sox hat and a Papelbon jersey shirt. When I made the trip out to the right field bleachers, there was an instant asshole chant directed at me, I was ducking soda and beer cups like dodgeballs, and the cop standing right next to me was laughing. It feels sweet to be the bad guy....and I guess another way to say #3 is that I want to be an even bigger dick in 2009.

#4. Become famous. Or...

#5. Become friends with someone that is famous. If you are famous and reading this right now, please, let's be friends. I obviously have no real talents to speak of, so I know that I cannot get there on my own. However if you help me, I promise you that once I am famous, most likely more famous than you, I will not forget about you, and all the other little people that helped me along the way. Besides, there are plenty of no talent ass clowns that have become famous. In this shitty world where reality TV stars get fame for NOTHING (i.e. Brody Jenner, watch that a couple posts below, he has the personality of a large rock) I think that I deserve to have a little fame. All you have to do is be a complete F*ing chooch so MTV puts you on Real World, and before you know it chicks are lining up for you on your college tour to do you like your one of the Backstreet Boys or something. Someone please help me with this.

#6. Get arrested by Shaq. Seriously Shaq might be the illest dude alive, if it is really true that he is a cop, or will become a cop then this is a dream come true. As he was walking up to cuff me I would of course bend over and say, "Hey Shaq, tell me how my ass tastes." Classic Shaq video right below....



#7. Fight Chuck Norris. Listen Norris, the last time we met you may have got the best of me. But since then I have watched several UFC events, and thrown hundreds if not thousands of punches in the mirror. You don't want none of the J-man. (Feel free to start calling me the J-man from now on everyone...).

#8. Record my own rap song....featuring Wolfie if he wants in. Ever since I got robbed by 4 fake thugs in Miami two years ago which got me a ton of street cred, I have always wanted to get on tape and just kill it. I haven't really started writing down any lyrics or anything, but I'm pretty sure I have what it takes to be a one hit wonder. Any producers reading this, get at the kid, I'll take you to the top.

And finalllyyyyy

#9. Make a living out of this blogging stuff. Realistically this is probably pretty impossible, but the idea of sitting here in my boxers(stay cool ladies) watching Sportcenter and "working" is just too good not to dream of. I mean I don't even dislike my job now, but doing this for a living has to be heaven.


Well that is it, might be my only post today because I have to work a college hockey game at the shittiest rink in the United States, so have a good Saturday night everyone, and thanks for reading all the way to the end. ONE.