Challenge You To A Duel

Edit: I ended up ranting and this post ran long. I apologize for that but it should still entertain you. Actually I know some of you will like it because some of you are down with the founding fathers. Its not dry either. Eh, actually some of you won't like it but its cool. I sum up the American revolution in like 3 sentences and talk about how cool duels are. OK go read now... or skip to the bottom and watch some baked out Afghani poppin off his gun.

I was thinking about what exactly is badass in the world the other day and I remembered something I was always intrigued by that fell out of favor over 100 years ago, Duels. Duels were the ultimate challenge and really only had to do with one thing. Honor. If someone was disrespecting you blatantly, like filling your wives mouth with hay and dusting her off in the barn, then what you do is let everyone know you aren't a pushover by publicly challenging that bastard to a life risking duel. You march in opposite directions for a set number of steps then spin around and blaze a bullet at the dude who was toolin on you.

So lets take the wife example. You can think of your options like a poker game. In this situation challenging him to the duel is like you making a big bet into him. If that guy folds (declines the challenge) then he doesn't have to risk his life, but probably has to apologize to you and hes pretty much a punk around town with no honor. And back in those days having no honor was like having bad credit plus raunchy body odor at the same time for the rest of your life. Lastly, he can call your bet (accept the challenge) and risk his life but prove hes no busta.

Actually, there is a last option when challenged. You can up the ante and reraise him by telling him you accept the challenge and when you win youre going to bone his wife again with his socks on, but that trash talk was rare and risky. Honor was a touchy thing back then and someone might kill you on the spot. But if you did that and pulled it off you would become a legend behind closed doors and probably have a gun or drink named after you. Thing is if you lose you look like Hasselbeck in the playoffs and you don't just look like a chooch, you die and noone goes to your funeral.

So you've gotten yourself into a duel. You are back to back with the opponent and you have just started your walk, which is a set number of paces before you turn and burn. At this point anything can be running through your head depending what kind of man you are and how well you've prepared for this moment in your life. It could be anything from "What a great day to kill or be killed MWA HA HA!" to "I wonder if they'll shoot me in the back if I run away right now" Im sure most fell somewhere in the middle but it must have been scary when realization sets in. After that the thinking is done and its simple, you turn and fire. Whatever happens happens.

Im saying I would definitely be prepared. I would practice dueling for years and have set strategies no doubt. Oh yea one more sweet rule I found. You can't challenge noblemen to a duel if you are a bum, doesn't work like that. Here is a great quote from the famous wikipedia. If a gentleman was insulted by a person of lower class, he would not duel him, but would beat him with a cane, riding crop, a whip or have his servants do so. Now thats pimp.

We brought duels over here from Europe but I think we Americanized them. I bet it wasn't as formal. I picture that in Europe you could disrespect some other man's tea or socks and before you knew it a leather glove was smacking your face and you are outside being handed your gun (that was gonna jam) for a duel. Well I made that all up but its how I picture those royal peacocks rolling. See at that point it was all about what family you were born into in Europe. The ballas were chooches. In America it was the opposite. Let me talk a little about history before I sign off.

Noone touches the founding fathers in terms of ultimate swag and respect. A successful revolution is at the top of the accomplishment pyramid. If they only taught it to us simpler in school. I'll tell you what happened right now so fast and informal. OK, heres the key the teachers or text doesnt talk about enough. When another country occupies land beyond its boundaries and runs shit its called colonialism and its always bad. People get exploited and/or killed, colonizers take money and force culture on the colonies. Theres no way around it, it always happens, its human nature, imperialism, whatever. So around 250 years ago we were an english colony and it was dece until we really started getting pwned with taxes. We got heated and wanted representatives if we were being taxed but thats not cool when youre slaves so the brits didn't give us rights and we decided to fight. Behind the scenes we had an amazing group of founding fathers and freedom fighters. Anyway, we were such a pain in the ass that England was like "YO FUK DIS" and bounced cause we were costing them more money than they could steal from us. Then the founding fathers sat down and out of fresh paper, gallons of ink, and their favorite quill pens, they produced a document called the US constitution. From there this country was off on a wild ride of affluence, war, and everything in between for the next 250 years. Ultimately we became as great a superpower as this planet has ever seen, Thats America kids. Always remember it started with a government that needed to be put in check.

Read A Peoples History Of The United States by Howard Zinn if you like this kind of stuff and want to know the real story instead of the lies in our text books. Remember that the winners of wars are the ones who write the text books. The Native American, African American, and English histories of America are probably pretty different. Our history books don't dwell on stuff like The Ludlow Massacre.

I'll leave you with a pretty insane clip of weed and war. This shit isn't a game.



-Wolfie