Your American Idol

Kris Allen is the 2009 American Idol. A travesty of epic proportions, Allen’s ascension to the top of pop culture exposes the fatal flaw of the Idol voting structure – it’s made up of millions of preteen white females with hormones so jacked up, you think they just came from a barbecue at Jose Canseco’s house.

Has anyone ever gone this far just by being hot? Doubtful. Adam Lambert deserved this and everybody knows it. I don’t know if you could really call it an “upset” because in the Top 4 and Top 3 results shows, Allen was the first one sent to the “safe” zone, usually indicating he received the highest vote count. I had a feeling this was going to happen. Should have been Gokey vs. Lambert. But, oh well. I do have to admit that Allen’s rendition of “Heartless” was pretty silky.



First thing Seacrest said to him: “You just won American Idol, bro.” I love this fuckin guy.

He was so nervous and shy about it. He like knew the only reason he got it was because of the girls who vote. He did said that Adam deserved it, which was cool I guess. Kris should actually be pretty decent, but he won't be able to do the obligatory media and talk show circus as well as Adam could have. I can picture Adam being a mega star. Same with Danny Gokey, and maybe even Lil Rounds or Matt Giruad. This was a pretty talented season in my mind. Certainly more interest than last year when chooch David Cook and whoever he was going against reached the finals. Kind of interesting that small-statured, guitar-wielding, light-facial-hair-having white dudes won back to back years. I’m not sure what that says about America’s future sluts. But whatever.

Here are some things I liked about the AI finale:

100 Million: As in the number of votes for the final. Wow. You’d like to stop American Idol, but you can’t. Most viewed show week after week. This money pit is FOX’s baby. You’ll see this show on until America gets sick of it, which judging by the record number of votes, it hasn’t yet.

Katrina Darrell aka Bikini Girl: WOOO…not only did she come strutting out in the bikini again, but she’s sporting a brand new chugggge rack. Wayoo. She might actually become famous.
Seacrest with the line of the night: “I was going to ask what’s new, but I think I already know.” Guy’s the secret man sometimes.

Not only did they have Katrina perform the song she beefed with Kara DioGuardi about, but then Kara came out behind her singing louder. Wow, they def didn’t tell Katrina that cause she looked HEATED. Kara kinda killed it too. I thought her dress ripped at first, but she actually tore it open to reveal a black bikini. Wow, just reaffirming what I’ve always thought. You know what…


…I’ve been meaning to bring this up for a long time. She’s an underrated babe. Lil sexy vixen thing. Kara DioGuardi, even thought you’re sometimes a bitch, and definitely were not good enough to be a star , and that’s why you’re just a writer, WKTFB salutes you.

Adam Lambert’s Dad: This guy used to look miz (short for miserable) during the first string of the get-to-know-the-family interviews. I could tell right way when, sometime in during Hollywood Week during a filmed piece at the Lambert’s home, his mother was touting the normal line, something like “we don’t care about success, we’ll support Adam no matter what.”

To which his father snarled something like, “Well, yeah, but success would be nice too.” You can tell this old school lumberjack of a man couldn’t stand his lil half-fairy son possibly making out with dudes and floundering in California theaters without a real job.

Now? Guy is a proud papa. Adam’s gay? Who cares. He’s eccentric and too dramatic? Whatever. He has nail polish? Great! Cause he might just become the biggest rocker of the new millennium. Like it or not.

Group Songs: Whole Top 13 is here performing tonight. I feel like once you’re on American Idol, the franchise owns your soul. I don’t think you can get away from them. What if these people had like something to do tonight? I feel like the producers just tell em to do anything. Just a bunch of kids so grateful to get a chance in the beginning. I bet it gets awkward later when they become huge stars. I can’t wait until the first big star tries to break away from 19 Management, Idol’s record company that has first right to the contestants. I would love to be the first.

Nick Mitchell: Yeahhhh…Normal Gentle. Good to see him have a nice part in this even though he wasn’t in the Top 13.

Lil Rounds/Queen Latifah: Must be so awesome to be a suddenly famous artist and get to perform with someone you surely loved (at least liked) in front of millions of people. I have to say, I don’t know what it is…did Lil Rounds lose weight, have a makeover, or maybe it’s the hair extensions? Whatever it is, she looks pretty fiayyah tonight.

Guests: Latifah, Rod Stewart, Black Eyed Peas, Steve Martin, Jason Mraz, Carlos Santana, Lionel Richie, Keith Urban, KISS, Cyndi Lauper. Idol flexed its muscles tonight. Can it be stopped?

Tatiana Del Toro: Hohoooo. In another move of spontaneity, when be presented with some weird Golden Idol award like Katrina and Norman/Nick, the crybaby drama queen who everybody loves to hate was told by Seacrest to sit down and not come to the stage because they were short on time. Well, not only did she Emmitt Smith 2-3 security guards to get to the stage, she ripped the mic out of Seacrest’s hands and said “this is how I got on the show” and started singing the same song she always sings. With no music. With a stunned Seacrest looking on. Then with 3 dudes coming up and grabbing her off the stage. I think it was staged, but I still laughed.

Until next year, you're faithful American Idol blogger: Nick.