Rumbled in the Bronx

Eek. Ugh. Fack. Good God. Eww. Icky. Gay. What theee...Coool. Shitty. Gross. Just completely and utterly horrendous (in the Simon Cowell voice).

These are just a few of the words that venture into my mind when I hear the words 'Boston Red Sox.'

The Boston 9 returned to Massachusetts in the wee hours of the morning, just in time to catch the early editions of the local papers, which predictably have begun to draw comparison between this edition of Sox to the 2006 crew, which was in first place for the beginning of the year before a 5-game massacre at the hands of the Yankees caused a cataclysmic second-half flameout.

But instead of just clamoring for Theo's head or jumping off the Tobin, let's try to identify just what has gone wrong here:

1) Cheapskates. First and foremost, this problem originated long before the games were even played. Only unidentifiable to the non-Kool-Aid drinkers and plain blue-hatted fans, the die hard recognized this team was acting different than most. Instead of making sincere efforts for game changing pitchers C.C. Sabathia and A.J Burnett and middle-of-the-lineup thumper Mark Texeira, what we got instead was a thinly veiled guise of contract negotiations which ended in the Plan B, Cs and Ds of the world in Brad Penny, John Smoltz and Rocco Baldelli. With Smoltz designated for assignment, Penny pitching as poorly as ever and Baldelli on his second DL stint, this plan has worked out as well as the Big Dig.

The smackdown New York laid in the Bronx this weekend was Exhibit A of the teams' varying off season strategies. As Burnett and Sabathia combined to shut the Sox out for two straight games, and Mark Texeira blasted a game-winning home run on Sunday, we had Smoltz released DURING the series, the rotation altered to avoid a Brad Penny sighting and Rocco Baldelli somewhere in an ice bath. True, you don't need to spend money to win. You know, unless you're in the same divisions and the Yankees and Tampa Bay. In which case, you most certainly do.

2) Shortstop. Sound familiar? Since Orlando Cabrera and his murky off the field issues went unpursued after the 2004 season, management has since struggled to find even an adequate solution at one of the game's most important positions. Edgar Renteria, Alex Gonzalez, Julio Lugo and Nick Green either couldn't hack it at the field or at the plate. Jed Lowrie is running out of excused too, although he can't seem to stay on the field long enough to prove anyone wrong or right.

What we are left with is a team so desperate to find consistency up the middle that they are considering making a play for the Nationals' Christian Guzman, who is hitting .315 this year after hitting .316 last season. Guzman is a good player, albeit a pricey one at 2-years, $16-million. Contrary to early reports yesterday, the Sox did NOT make a waiver claim for him. Instead if he clears waivers, look for the club to make a play for him then. I actually think this would be a terrific move, considering Guzman is good defensive player and would provide the Sox -- with Victor in the lineup at catcher -- with a deep and dynamic lineup (your 8 and 9 guys would probably be Drew and Guzman; not too shabby).

3. Heart. Do these Sox hav heart? It's tough to tell yet. One of the primary reasons why Billy Beane's Moneyball teams of the early 2000s never won anything was because they never had that swagger, that leadership, that mojo, that it that championship clubs have. The Sox of 2004 had it. Hell, they were swigging Jack before games doing high five dances and threatening to bean you if you touched on of their guys.

The squad I saw in New York got thrown at, smack talked and beaten into submission. Any team that doesn't score a run for 30+ innings has problems that run deeper than a lineup full of hurt or slumping players. I mean, to not be able to manufacture just one run is absurd.

Is the karma of being the only team in MLB without an African-American biting them back? Is the business0like approach too boring? No and No. The bigger problem? Teams are not assembled on paper. As much as strike-throwing pitchers high-OBP batters look good on paper, winning a championship is more than fine tuning some ideal machine. You need characters who will come through in the clutch or pick up the squad in moments of despair. Manny Ramirez did that. Derek Lowe did that better than anyone. David Ortiz used to do that. Can anyone on this team??

4. Middle of the Order. Has blogfather Jared pointed out to me last night: "What does it say about the Red Sox when you pick up Victor Martinez and he's immediately your 3 hitter? Guy would have hit fifth a few years ago."

Fewer truer words have been spoken. I love the Victor acquisition, especially considering that the Sox offer the moon and the stars for Adrien Gonzalez but were turned down. But the fact that an outsider comes in and is automatically your best hitter...just doesn't bode well for your chances at making a solid run.

The only parallels I'll accept between this team and the miserable team from 2006 is the absence of Ramirez. Manny wasn't here the last time the Sox failed to make the postseason. He quit that year. Three years later, with the Sox on the precipice of falling apart again, Manny is 3,000 miles away, this time after forcing his way out of town. Jason Bay was the solution for 2+ months last year. But with nagging injuries, a slumping bat and perhaps a, unsigned contract weighing over his head, he's been a shell of himself since mid-June.

This has been compounded by the recent news -- broken by a New York paper, no less -- that David Ortiz was on the list of players who failed a drug test in 2003. Not only has Ortiz hit under .200 since the story broke, he's been noticeably somber and sullen, his face more lifeless than Bill Compton. When the Sox were smashing bombs and winning titles, it was with Ortiz and Manny doing their impression of Ruth and DiMaggio. Looking across the dugout this weekend, as Texeira and A-Rod pumped bombs and smacked double high fives, one couldn't help but be jealous at what the Yanks now have -- the best 3-4 combo in all of baseball.

After dropping 6 games against Tampa and New York this weekend, we should know a lot more about these 4 issues by this time next week. C'mon, Sox. NFL is too far away for this...

---Nick