Wacky Wednesday

-Picture you aren't friends with me if you don't say "picture" before one out of every 5 sentences. "Picture I said that to him yesterday."

"Picture I almost went, too."

"Picture she was so drunk, she tried kissing The Kid but ended up uukin everywhere."

These are just a few examples of something you might hear from myself and those around me. For some reason, asking someone to vividly imagine a scenario is a great way to talk. Picture I can't picture my life without it.

-Something I've been wondering recently is why they have those little bumblebees on the inside of some urinals. Is this a brand thing? Is it something to aim at? Is it something to eliminate stage fright? What's the point of that lil guy? You always inevitably end up aiming at it anyway, trying to fake drown that sucker. Initially I figured it was something to aim at and to relax someone who hates mad ppl around them, but it really doesn't make sense since most urinals have siding now anyway. Nothing was worse than my time in Minnesota -- pretty sure they just have troughs (spelling?) at every bar and in the MetroDome. Tons of Ds hanging out everywhere, cool. Just treat you like cattle out in the Mid West.

-Speaking of bathrooms, there about 50 things to call one. Working at a bar for a few years has taught me this. You got the bathroom, restroom, ladies' room, men's room, women's room, boys' room. All standard. Then they throw some of these at you: can, pot, shitter, pisser, head, john, toilet. You know what you don't hear, though? Lavatory. Some reason that only applies to the airplanes. Fakest word out there maybe.

-Billy Mays has actually grown on me, and don't just after his death. Since I did that post on him a few weeks ago, I started to read up on him and actually watched a few eps of his reality show on Discovery, the aptly titled Pitchmen. It was pretty sweet. Guy had a natural swag, but really wasn't a pompous asshole like I thought he was. Getting to see him talk normal and act regular eased my mind that he wasn't just a loud-talking sales chooch. Guy genuinely liked his products, only would endorse stuff that legit worked or that he liked and had a natural confidence and charisma that commands the attention of everyone in the room.

It's a little weird that he's such a celebrity. I mean, EVERYONE knew who he was. Since he died I heard tons of people talk about him, spouting of their fav commercials or pitches of his and saying they loved him. Most famous pitchman ever? You bet.

That means that within 3 days, we lost the most famous pitchman and pop musician of all time. Damn.

--Nick

Monday Madness

I know it's been beaten to death, but picture card companies just loving the made-up holidays we celebrate. Valentine's Day? Mother's Day? Father's Day? Picture those holidays mean absolutely nothing. 100% corporate and made up. You can take your parents out to breakfast on a regular Sunday just to be nice, you don't need to do it on a certain day and throw in a $3 card that they'll save for a few months then throw out.

Speaking of, I like how there is a cut-off date with cards. You really don't have to hold on to it at all, but you can't just throw it out the next day. Even if no one knows/sees you, you'll still feel bad. So you tuck it in a drawer for a few months, then one day when you're cleaning, you'll toss that and the others you've tucked away.

How about when you're younger, on your birthday or graduation or something, you'd love seeing those vertical, skinny cards. Woo, looks like they're just getting to the point and giving me dough. Except sometimes a cheap aunt would throw you a curveball and give you a money card with no money...wtf...should be illegal.

The Miller Lite Taste Protection Cap?? Yeah? You kiddin me? How fuckin dumb do you think we are? You really have no respect for us? Taste Protection Cap? That's why I should buy your beer? I thought the Coors cold activated cans were a stretch, but at least that makes marginal sense and it really does turn blue. But a TPC? C'mon.

BTW, Miller has stopped, or is stopping, all those Soprano spoof ads with Phil Leotardo asking store clerks and bartenders if they "need protection."




Why? Because an Itailian-American group -- The Order of Sons of Italy in America -- asked Miller to stop running the ads because it portrays "ethnic stereotyping." Whattt?? You don't like being portrayed as tough and badass? Too tight and ill for you? No, no, we want to be separated from that. We're not that cool. That's like me being upset with an ad portraying an Irish guy as a drunk. Dude, that's cool/funny/true. Relax.

By the way, how big was this commercial? Thing would never be made now:



Saw a rainbow the other day pwning the skyline in Boston. Forgot how awesome and weird those things can be. Someone explain that shit to me. Actually, don't. I like the mystery.

I've kind of had enough of Billy Mays, the black-bearded extreme pitchman. I guess it got to me when he started doing the ESPN Mobile commercials, because now I see him way too much. Oh, relaxing in bed, lil SportsCenter on as I'm drifting to dreamland....HI I"M BILLY MAYS HERE WITH ESPN!!!!!...my god, where's the remote, turn this shit down, just woke up my roomates...

Guy's a chooch in my mind, even though he could probably sell me otherwise. Here's a popular clip of him ordering McDonald's. Thought it was funny at first, but it gets old quick:



--Nick