Breaking News: Ninja Unrest in Weymouth, MA

My next post will be about zombies, I promise. This is real and pertinent, people. Don’t know how many of you read the Patriot Ledger, but not only do they have a website on the internets, which for some reason is weird to me, BUT they are still relevant!

No, but seriously, they reported (via AP) a man in his 20s clad in what can only be described as Ninja-gear (not clothing, not attire….Gear) with sword in sheath (naturally, as to not dull the samurai’s razor-sharp edges) in a Tedeschi’s in the town of Weymouth, familiar? The clerk uneasy with the stealthy presence called the authorities. This is where I rlol’d. The goon asks the clerk if he is making the call about him. What, guy? You have a sword in a sheath attached to your hip…this isn’t the 16th Century –it hasn’t been socially acceptable to prance around with a dueling sword for like centuries, of course the call is about you.

This is where my outlandish imagination transforms a nothing 4-line AP release into like an 8th installment of Harry Potter. But, seriously? What was Ninja-man’s motives at 8AM on 4/20, if you’re doing this and you’re not high there’s definitely an underlying issue. All I can picture is this character, beyond dejected, sulking with his head down walking out of the store. What Ninja gets scared out of a Tedeschi’s? Not a real one, that’s for certain.

What this ninja lacked in skill he made up in resolve. I also rlol’d at the Ledger’s subtitle “After being scared out of Tedeschi store he vainly tried dry cleaners”. So, faced with imminent failure the ninja entered Galaxy Cleaners –sounds like a job for a Sith (Googled “Jedi enemy” for that gem). Can you channel the “force” through a samurai sword? Probably no. At this point our beloved and misunderstood protagonist drew his sword for the first time since he bought it at King Richard’s Faire in 1996. So, with the clerk at tip of sword (is that the equivalent of “gun point”? idk) the ninja demanded all of the Blades of the Orient. No, that would have been way cooler though. Yet another rlol moment for me, the clerk informs the ninja she can’t get the drawer open to the register. So, guy just leaves…the end. A real ninja would have shed blood, shown no mercy and made some sort of dramatic gymnastics exit.

The ninja a.ka. horrible robber remains at large, presently. I can only imagine that he receded to his dank-smelling bedroom in the basement of his childhood home, probably disconcerted over the injustices he committed in the name of Ninjas all over the South Shore of Massachusetts. Let me know if this story develops at all or was just an incredible hoax. Reminiscent of Nick’s post on bank robbers a couple of weeks ago, we can only hope that this was an effort by one ninja to promote an old-school robbery movement…

Lastly, if you don't like my rendition of this story, read here.

Molly Bish news....

Ok seriously nothing about the Molly Bish story is funny (if you are not aware it is a girl who went missing in mass in 2000)....however this clip did make me RLOL.



This borders on the "Is it too F'd up to even laugh at" scale....however the timing and anchor's reaction was too good.


- J Perk

Secret Service, the News and Freezing at the Pump

Before we get to the post, just wanted to announce that WKFTB founder Jake has been without internet for the past couple days. That explains his lack of posts. Me and Jared will try to pick up the slack with extra posts in the interim. Now to the info...

Good point by buddy Retta brought up to me the other day: How much do you hate pumping gas in the winter? Legit below freezing and sometimes below zero temps, not to mention whipping wind chill, and you have to stand out there for 10 minutes in that wind tunnel terminal they use to cover the pumps. Ride around on ‘E’ for a few days just waiting for it to be a little warmer and bearable.

Another winter thing that I can’t stand is the dryness of my skin these days. Got moisturizing body wash, gentle soaps and lotions up the ass and still have little eczema lookin things cropping up. Makes me uncomfortable and itchy. Just gross. In the summer I got baby skin, dece on the eyes and fire to the touch.

The obsession old people have with the local news is mind-boggling. I just don’t get it. I understand the national news, where they bring you a bunch of the major relevant stories that affect the entire country (economy, environment, president, etc). But the local news is just trash. Someone killed someone here, there was a car crash there, some idiot tried to rob a bank, there’s a school in the suburbs that decided to ban candy. It’s legit full of stories that you will forget the next day when you have the whole next slew of car wrecks, assaults, and delinquent parents. And OMG if it’s going to snow?!?! Look out…parents might be glued to the TV for hours straight. “They say were getting fouhh—to—six inches, be cahfulll.” News just makes you panic and/or miserable.

I like the idea of the Secret Service. Not what they do or what they stand for, but just the name really. I like service – car service, bar service, escort service, room service – and you know I like secret shit. Secret service just kind of ties it all in for me.

Something my buddy Anthony brought up to me: People in college legit use Facebook messager to communicate rather than AIM. Imagine ever using that tiny thing? Only useful if you’re at work or something and AIM is blocked on you comp. But even then you’re probably better off using Meebo and that type of AIM. Wouldn’t use FB Messager if it was the last thing available to me. Just wouldn’t talk to people.

--Nick